Hi everyone, welcome to the parenting balanced podcasts. My name is Kelly Williams. I'm a licensed clinical social worker and an ADHD parenting expert by experience. I'm here with my partner. Hi, I'm Teresa Vanpelt.

I'm a licensed mental health counselor and anxiety parenting expert by experience. And for the past 10 years, Kelly and I have had a family practice in Florida. This podcast is for parents who want to really understand what's going on with ADHD and anxiety. So you can ditch the chaos and feel confident and happy again. Marcy surface is the founder of the private school diaries community. She's a parenting coach who specializes in helping parents confidently navigate ADHD and private schools, just like Kelly and me Marcy's resume includes training from her personal journey raising a son diagnosed with ADHD. We're thrilled that she's here with us today to talk to us about some important differences that parents need to know between private and public school options. Thanks for being here today. Marci. Thanks for having me.

Hi Marci I'm super excited to talk about what the differences are between private school and public school, and what kind of things parents need to think about in order to determine what which one is the right choice to their families. But before we get into that, I want to ask you to share a little bit with our listeners about how your passion for creating better academic experiences for kids with ADHD extends beyond your own family. For many years you've served on the board of directors for schools. Typically designed for kids who learn differently, and to even build a middle school is that right.

Yes, that is correct. We built a middle school even after our son was no longer at that school anymore so it's kind of a fun story but yes I have three sons. They're 1917 and 14 now. And our middle son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was a little guy in kindergarten. We had been only attending private school with our kids. Up until that point. And he was at a, you know, very kind of prestigious preschool through 12th program here, private school program here in Orange County, and, kind of, you know, with all of his little quirks and mannerisms were really cute until kindergarten and that's when the rubber sort of met the road and he had also the kind of bad luck of having the, the one teacher of kindergarten that was known for being much more strict than the other two. And so he spent most of that kindergarten year, sitting outside the classroom, being punished. So, we called in a, you know, educational evaluator to come. She shadowed him and called and said, Oh my gosh, you have to get him out of the school as soon as soon as humanly possible. And go to, you know, this doctor and see him about medication we're going to do all of the different testing and do all the write up, you know, give you a full report. So that was kind of our first experience with the whole topic. And so after doing lots of testing going to see this doctor. We decided that we would actually. We thought that the right answer was having him. We decided to move to a small town, go to a private school in a small town but with even smaller classes so I think there were seven or eight kids in a class and one teacher, and we would try medication. So we and repeat kindergarten. So we did those things repeated kindergarten moved to a small town tried medication. And I think failed on all three of those different, different levels, basically. So he he's very very bright so having him repeat kindergarten and be, you know, a year older than all the kids in the class was incredibly frustrating for him. Huge fine motor skills issues, and so was having a hard time, you know, getting out on paper to keep up with his brain. So he was just frustrated kind of all around. And then in this very small town there were literally no resources in the town for kids with ADHD, there was no ot or, you know, fine motor therapies or anything like that, that we could get for him, and then he had a very adverse reaction to the medication so he actually had a grand mal seizure, and was in the hospital for three days. You know, we had two ambulances at our house it was very very stressful and scary. And what we hadn't realized was that the combination of medications that he was on lowered his threshold for seizures, and for whatever reason he was prone at that time so. So we started looking for some sort of a solution, where he could go to school and not be on medication we wanted to try that for the next year so after doing tons and tons of research at the time we're up in Oregon. We found a school back in our hometown, that had been at UC Irvine for over 30 years it was called the child development school. And there were no spots whatsoever but it was a school that was basically created from a therapy program that became a full day school program, and it was for kids with ADHD and high functioning autism, as well as all sorts of other learning differences. And so after calling and begging them for a spot every single day I think for over a month. Finally something opened up. And we came back down, and after he shadowed for one day they said, He's perfect. You know he's, he's exactly what we do here, which was, you know, I had been hearing you know how how bad he was for the last two years, and how no one had ever seen anything like it and they just looked at me and said oh he's exactly what we do. This is perfect. He's so great. And he's so smart. So we're going to skip them right over first grade and he's going to go right into second grade with the rest of his age group. And it was like, literally, you know, as a parent when you're so stressed and confused and you don't know what to do or who to turn to next you know hearing those words was just like, magical. Yeah, it's a remarkable story. I mean they're all away from you were so invested that you moved your entire family to a small

town. And, and then discovered that that wasn't the solution either, and then you find the perfect place that's right back where you where you came from. It's amazing. Yeah, it was. I mean, yeah. And so we have the persistence, that, that it took, as a parent. Yes,

it's been, yeah, there's been even a lot more since then. So basically, I am a specialist at this point in private school admissions, I think, and in knowing the right questions to ask about what schools for you know what they can provide for your child. I have three very different children, and they all go to different schools and different types of schools. And, you know, being as our first stop at the child development school it used to only go K through five with a child development school my son attended there for four years. We loved it so much that he stayed through fifth grade so second through fifth grade. And by the time he left, he was teaching the social skills class to the first graders which was adorable. so they have a program where they have one hour a day of social skills for every, every child that's in the program. And then the parents have one hour a week of that same skill that the child's learning, so that they can use the same. Yeah, so they can use the same terminology and they can implement the same programs at home. And I think that those were some of my most special memories of that school was being in what they called multi family group with the other parents, especially the ones that were, you know, had newly arrived and just seeing the tears roll down their face of joy of, you know, telling stories of success at home and at school. And, you know, just seeing their child blossom again and rebuilding their self esteem, you know was just a really really special time. The understated just how important it is for all humans to feel like they belong in the place where they are. Absolutely, yeah so for parents and children. I think that, you know, we have, there's still such a stigma, unfortunately, it's like we're living in the dark ages whether you're a private or public school as a parent. If your child has ADHD or a different learning difference. A lot of times they will blame it on parenting. They will make you feel you know like an outsider, like an outcast, and certainly in private schools I can tell you that most of the other parents will even admit that they are going through the same thing and so it's a very very lonely, you know place and very, very scary and sad and you know all those emotions. And so

that's why you decided to start your business, which is a parent's coaching practice, specifically for helping parents of kids who are in private schools. And you help them to navigate to school because you have so much experience with so many different schools, but not only that you, you understand the shame of feeling like you can't talk to anybody else in the school environment, about what's going on. Absolutely. so left the child development school, he went to some other very prestigious private schools again so I got to see it again, you know on an older child level and got to but at this point I was an expert so that was really helpful. Going into his senior year now in high school, he's actually a public school now so I know a lot about public school as well. But he is, you know, incredibly successful really has those four years were so life changing for all of us. So, for me, going back and giving back and being able to coach parents, because you know the the main thing that people don't understand when they're choosing a private school when their child is having some challenges at school, is that every private school, generally private schools are not changed. They're not you know there's, they're one of the, one of a kind, each one. and they don't have the economies of scale. They don't have any sort of protocols, or methodologies that are used successfully at other schools that they can really look to so they're their own small business basically trying to muddle their way through, like any small business. And very often they don't provide any services. They don't have any training that's for sure. And they just, they really don't have any systems in place, or roadmap to help these children through. And it's really a detriment to them. And this is what I have explained to many along the way, is that you know when you have a family with 234 kids at your private school, and you decide that you're going to make one of those children. You're going to, you're going to say that they don't belong here they don't fit here we can't help them we don't do ADHD, and you would be shocked at the things that I've heard them say

you're really ostracizing that entire family, and people really want all of their kids to be happy at school and they would really prefer all their kids can be at the same school. If that's not possible, you know there's there's certainly a much better way to handle it. Even if it means putting some things into place at least for, you know, this school year and seeing how it goes. Instead of just automatically saying he's not invited back or, you know, the things that they do. And so for me since it's very very challenging to change a school. What I have been working on and helping parents do is change what they, the way that they handle the situation. So, if I can arm them with a roadmap, and with the particular tools to use in the classroom and they can go give those to their teacher and say this is the program that we do, and I expect that you will follow this. And, you know, and do these things that we need you to do for our family and for our child to be successful here at school or at least to make the attempt. And that way it's a very standardized approach and very positive, you know I helped them to draft the emails and, you know, to give provide you know different formats for them to bring to the school both to the administration and to their teachers. and hopefully it'll have a successful outcome whatever that happens to look like. That's amazing.

I love that you're here and then you're talking to us about this because we recently did an interview with Doreen Russell, Dr. Russell who is an academic coach here in Florida. She provides school choice consultations, which I think the face of it is similar to what you do. If anybody's interested in episode, 13, if you want to check it out. But we talked about how the field of coaching is relatively new, and it's new to the helping profession, and it's not really regulated, the way that counseling is regulated by our licensures and stuff like that. But we also talked about like how, when you find yourself as a target of a stigma, like you're we're talking about and the criticism, there's something you can learn about how to successfully navigate either things that can't be taught in a formal

education program, and it sounds like you're kind of incorporating some of those same things. When you're working with the parents, kind of helping them navigate the system. Absolutely, yeah so I just actually had lunch with a girlfriend on Friday and who's younger than me and has younger children and who just had the fun. Zoom call over the summer with a couple of teachers who informed her that her seven year old has ADHD, and neither of them have any training, any background, you know nothing and so she shared the phone call with me and then we got to giggle about it a whole bunch over lunch so I think that the point is that I bring is a lot of actual experience. And I can share that experience with people so that they don't have to learn it on their own, which of course they, everyone will eventually learn all this on their own but if I can help them to get to that point faster, and to understand. You know why this stigma, really. It's not something that should be should be happening number one but number two just how to, how to address it and how to deal with it and how to not make it so that it's so kind of soul crushing you know for themselves. And then, the things that they would bring back to those teachers, the things that they could do to lift me up just really the point is you want to help your child to be happy and successful whatever school, whatever school environment, it is that you end up in. And by the way, that changes all the time as well so sometimes something's great for a couple of years and then you stopped serving its purpose and so you can move on to a different school after that. But yes, I think it's mainly that you know I am not formally trained I am just a parent, but I have been at for over 17 years we've been at 13 different schools. 13 private schools, and just with different kids doing different things that we moved a lot. In the process, and I just can bring that experience to people so that they realize that they're not alone. That, some of it is, you know, some of it is is very serious obviously but then other parts of it can be sort of funny as well. And we can just sort of get through that together so that they understand that, that they are certainly not the only one as much as they might be being made to feel that they are, and that the diagnosis may not even be the correct diagnosis and so I helped them just get the wherewithal you know about what they need to do next you know what kind of tests maybe they should go get, you know, you know, auditory processing or. I know that you guys have. We've talked a lot Kelly about, you know, just even seeing the specialist eye doctor you know there's so many different things in our life and there's so many different things that people don't know about that I can really point them in that direction. It's wonderful

you know and I always, I probably have said this in five or six of our episodes, like, pastors better, to being confronted with this information, knowing that you can go to a resource that is going to guide you on the path, it's invaluable. It makes things so much easier. It's complicated, every single person is different, single part of what is so tricky about ADHD in particular, is it does not look the same in every single person it never does. You know, from an academic perspective having ADHD neurology is correlated with above average intelligence, are some of the smartest people on the planet. If you know right and private that that's who they want they these are the students, they really want. You can help them to come around and learn different teaching methods in order to accommodate then everyone is better off for it.

Absolutely. They all benefit, they have happier families. They do get to keep these kids that are going to be the ones that Excel and get the you know as soon as, as soon as maybe they can work some of these things out like for my son for example he needed a writing specialist he needed a fine motor writing handwriting specialist, and as soon as that happened you know his world completely changed, or you know and then he got the highest scores they had ever seen on some test or something so yes if the if those are the students that they, you know, are claiming to want to have. And then there's also a lot of talk about how we want the kids to think outside the box. Well, then don't try to just continually shove everybody back into the box like maybe you should. Everyone should expand their horizons a little bit and realize that a lot of kids with higher IQs and, you know, higher intelligence overall they just learned differently. And so the more tools they have to help them learn differently, it's just it's just such a benefit all the way around.

It's so true it's so true. And you know, I have to, I have to give you some credit here, because I don't think this podcast would exist without your support. Ray decided to be accountability partners on our projects because our. We're both kind of trying to do the same thing. But just a little bit differently. And that is to teach more people about exactly what's real about neurology, and that it's not a disaster like it's really not different, isn't wrong. Right.

More people on the planet who understand that, the better off the entire planet is going to be that's my that's my conviction. I agree 100% and so it's so great. So when we met last year and decided to be accountability partners, it was it's been so fun for me. And one of the first things that I do is have my new coaching clients listen to your podcast because I think you guys really starting from, you know if anyone's hearing this for the first time, going back to the first episode and listening to everyone. They really build on each other and I just loved your first episode so much about talking about what ADHD is and is not. And because I think that's really in the scheme of things that's really new thinking, especially among teachers and educators, you know most people don't know those things that you're sharing. And so, teachers could listen to your podcast,

as well, it would just be such just, I think it could just really change the world. I didn't know if I mentioned this in the first podcast, but my, my course my online course curriculum. It began as a teacher training. And what happened was when my son hit Middle School. You know the teachers all said well he's really smart he should know how to do these things but he couldn't do those things, because executive skills are delayed right with this neurology and so I got frustrated about that and my solution was to put together a training, and even I even developed an assessment tool. And I educated every single teacher where to charter so I don't know maybe it's 100 people. And I delivered that training, and what happened was that I did the training in two parts. I gave the overview first like kind of the basics right kind of Neurology one on one. And then I explained to the assessment tool that I was asking them to use was an executive function assessment. And then they were to pick two students and implement the tool, and then I came back, a month later, and I was reviewing all their assessments and talking about, you know, teaching strategies for all these different kinds of kids. And about two weeks right in the middle of the break in between there was that awful shooting in South Florida, and what started out with these teachers is really good momentum for change, got stopped in its tracks. I mean, it was, you know, it was remarkable and my heart went out to the teachers, because they were being required to do all these extra trainings and, I mean, every, the focus completely shifted from teaching to safety. The challenge that a lot of teachers are facing I think a lot of teachers really want to learn more, but they have so much on their plate and it's really hard to get everything done. Yeah. When I, I shifted my focus and I decided you know what. As parents, We need to arm ourselves with the information and exactly how Marcy described it, so that when the teacher comes to you, you know how to respond to that in a way that's productive. It's all about really

even if you can make them first interaction, less adversarial. Everything is better. From that point forward. Yeah, absolutely. You know, one of the essays that I was at lunch with a friend on Friday and again this is just going to your point that, you know, teachers, first of all I think they they in California anyways the public school teachers don't even get. I don't know they get like one hour or something of a special education or, you know, in their whole credential I mean they get nothing. And then we have really large class sizes in public and private, you know, goes the whole gamut of class sizes. But it was interesting because one thing that there were there were there was a school counselor and two teachers on the call. And the main. Their main point of diagnosis was that he the child that is math and reading that they that they weren't equal, that he was so much better in math, and so this is a huge sign that it's ADHD and he should get, you should go get ADHD medication as soon as humanly possible. And I thought that that thinking, you know I'm, I'm a 50 year old adult. I am much better at reading than math. I think that I don't think that that's a telltale sign, you know that. Just because a child excels more in one subject than another. So that's just an example that I think that there's some really old fashioned thinking out there that, and they again they don't get continuing education on this. And so I think it's kind of our job like you said to try and help to arm the parents, you know who are, you know, very capable and very open to learning, and then have them in a non adversarial way as much as possible, bring that back to the teachers in the schools because I think that if you're a teacher and you can become well versed in this, you are a superstar, and you will be. I feel like that will make you interesting incredibly successful teacher and you'll really be at the top of your game, if this is a field that you dive into and learn more than your peers, because this is here, this is happening it's, you know, every typically there's, you know the old saying every family has one child that learns differently, and. And so if you can be that teacher that understands it because you've taken the time to, to hear and be open and receptive to it i think that that is just such a win for everyone. Honestly the teachers that I know that do that are usually personally impacted in some one way or another by ADHD and so they do understand that. But not

only that, they just, they seem happier in their job. You're like your people you know and so there's something to be said for that right because that's all we all really want, right is to kind of get through this life with joy and connection and friendship with each other. And, you know, absolutely and watching a child. Being able to help a child as their parent or their teacher or tutor or therapist is one of the most rewarding things in the world right so. Absolutely. I know it sure is fun when my six foot one son goes back to the child development school, to where he started when he was six, and they just, you know, they see how how just how amazing it's all turned out, you know, and that's the other thing that I think that I really want to give parents is hope, and let them know. It can turn out really really well, and that there are some things that, yes, with the right interventions, there are some things that your child will either get much better at or outgrow or stop doing you know it's not just gonna happen by itself, but there are things that you can do, especially the younger they are that just can make such a world of difference and. And so just sharing that with parents, because when you have a six year old or seven year old and your teacher tells you that they have ADHD and they need to go on medication it's going to be terrible and it's going to do this and that to your life, you know it's. You just don't know how it's gonna turn out so I love telling people that it can turn out just great. It does. Yeah. So if if someone wants to get in contact with you for your services, how would they do that and do you, what,

what stuff do you have going on right now.

Yes, so I am still in the beginning, phase of creating my online course but I am doing private coaching. And so the way to find me is on Instagram I'm at private school diaries. And if you search private school diaries on Facebook, you'll see my business page which is mercy surface on Facebook, and you can direct message me on either platform. And then we can talk more about one on one coaching, and then put you on the waitlist for my online course that's coming hopefully in the next couple of months. That's so exciting. I love it. I'm excited. Absolutely. And I just, again, thanks for having me and I love what you're doing and I love sharing your podcast with everyone I know. We appreciate it and we were definitely so thrilled that you came to talk to us. And I know that this is going to be helpful for so many families. Thank you for listening to the parenting balanced podcast, to join our mailing list, go to parenting balanced. COMM slash podcast. When you join you will be notified of upcoming live Q and A's. You can help us plan future episodes, we'd love to hear comments and questions. You can reach us by email. Hello at parenting balanced calm. And if you found this information helpful, please share it with anyone else who

can benefit and subscribe and give us a rating on your podcast platform. And until then remember, different isn't wrong. Transcribed by https://otter.ai